I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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