We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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