I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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