I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Shitshow foam night was such a success
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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