Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
