I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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