i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My balls are so social today.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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