Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i love accidental penises.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
