How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
