Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize