I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
