I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
