What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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