New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
