So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
