Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
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