drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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