he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
