i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
