Im at strip club and am horny
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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