drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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