My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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