We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
