Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
