In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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