Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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