My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
