You can't special order awesome
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
