barbara walters just said penis...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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