A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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