this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
