dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
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