Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
