Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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