There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
