I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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