Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
