look no pants
I just cut my nipple shaving
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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