My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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