just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
