do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
