she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
