Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
