Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize