she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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