So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
