I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
