omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
