So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
