you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
