im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
