Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize