I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I think my moral compass just broke
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
