Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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