some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
4 words: hood of his car
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
