I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
