If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
