there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
