i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize