she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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