It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
