Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I have already put on my inside pants.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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