Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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