My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
